deenaiyerl

Dear blog

Paul is in pain… his old habit is kicking up again. He thinks simply too much. He analyses horizontally the differences between others and himself. He compares the outstanding overlaps yet uniqueness. Whatever crap he’s thinking, it’s the 4am fault.

As posted, been thru a long day. Here’s how Paul works. If Paul faces a situation, he wouldn’t panic most of the time, unless the change is irreversible. So he’ll just sit and externally be very calm. Inside of him is majiam a war raging. Choices to make, decisions to take and feelings to be accountable for. These are all the things that he got to face. I’m sure you do too, just at a more sub-conscious level. During a normal response, Paul would result logic more than emotion. During the absence of the need to follow logic, emotion would be the driving force for that action. However in this lonely, lonely, night… logic and emotion are raging a break-even match. Any trivial issue would turn the whole tide to a favor. I don’t know if you are getting all of this. But basically it means that Paul has to choose the “right” decision to make. But “right” he means the logical decision. This means the predictable benefits or minimized lost for both parties action. Letting go of somebody is once such example. The emotional me would die die never let go, but logical plus a small portion of emotional speck with all love, respect and trust would eventually overrule and let you go…

It hurts. It really does.

How i wish i can vent my sadness/anger/disappointment (don’t know which either) on exercise or studies. But i simply can’t. It’s not me. I’m holding back my tears and tissues were piling up. I tried to be strong but you didn’t see the weak, fragile and vulnerable me crying and curling up on my bed. Everything happened so long yet so sudden like a dream, please don’t turn it into a nightmare. The price to pay for a nice dream in my pathetic life is already too much for this feeble-minded weakling to handle.

I’ve always taken stuffs personally. If things that i’m involved with doesn’t work well. I’ll try to solve the problem within me to get a more expected result the next time. This carried on for too long, till being hurt is like adding salt to open wound. *ouch*

Right now as i blog, i don’t even know whether you’ll even bother any more. It doesn’t matter. I’m always there. And when Paul says he’s always there means he’s always there.

If i have 1 wish. I’ll wish that i could make the lives of people that i interact a much better one. Let them be more relaxed, less stress and more freedom when they are with me. Let them feel happiness and joy in a different manner. Let them feel a sense of worth and value instilled into them. Let them understand how much i do care…

Signing out